So, I cant have a cheeseburger!?

Last night was our last official centering class. We have one more next week but it’s a pot luck kind of a thing on the farm of our midwife (of course our hippie mid wife lives on a farm with horses) so last night was our last class at the hospital.

We rounded out the night with our midwife telling us a labor horror story. This story scared the living crap out of me, not just because of what happened to the woman but the actions in which she took throughout the evening.

Apparently this 300lb woman was at home and her baby’s leg fell out of her vagina. Yes, that actually happens. This is a big deal and an emergency and after the women called the hospital she was instructed to call 911 to get her there ASAP. As the hospital awaits her arrival they get as many doctor’s, midwives, surgeons available to help in this scary situation.

All of them are waiting in the emergency room for an ambulance to pull up with this woman and her baby leg to come in. Well, instead they see this women come in the emergency room with a Big Mac hanging out of her mouth and a McDonald’s bag in her hand. Obviously the ambulance didn’t take her through the drive through so she apparently drove herself, with a baby leg hanging out to McDonald’s and in to the hospital which was apparently very low on her “To-Do” list that evening.  

The staff rushed her in and attempted to prep her for surgery but since she was so large they couldn’t find a vein to put in the pain medication and because she had just consumed a mass quantity of very hard digestible food she was basically a ticking time bomb. If anyone has ever had a C-section, you know they don’t like you eating anything before it, let alone a big Mac, large fry and a shake to boot!!  Any who, long story short, they ended up doing the surgery regardless of her full stomach and both her and baby are now fine. Well, I’m sure that baby is not fine psychologically but I’ll digress.

After this horrific story, since now I keep looking down to make sure there are no baby legs or arms hanging out, I had an awful nightmare last night. Yes, if you know me, you know I’d rather stop being friends with someone than have to listen to their long drawn out dream stories so I’m going to spare you all the details.

Let’s just say my dream consisted of me hoovering down on a cheeseburger, then going into labor and then seeing both of Avery’s legs hanging outside of my body but they can’t do anything to get her out because of mommy’s poor nutritional choices. I woke up at this point so I’m not sure if I led a life of Avery’s legs just hanging out or if she was born safely into this world.

Needless to say, I’m all good now with hearing about labor horror stories. I thought I could handle it but I can’t. So please keep them to yourself until after Avery is born and at that time I’d love to swap stories of pooping on the bed and excruciating/mind numbing pain. Thanks!!