YEEE-HAWWW!!!!

Ugh, I’ve literally felt like the white trashiest person all week. Here is the scoop…

So, I’m VERY excited because I have been working for the company TD Bank for almost four years. I’ve been a consultant for them and I was totally good with that. I could work when and where I wanted to. I strolled into my kitchen at around 9am-10am some days to start work and it was fabulous. Not only that, but the pay is not too shabby as a consultant.

However, now with Avery on the way they extended an offer to hire me as a full time employee. Yes. This was very kind of a company to actually help me out and realize that I would truly “benefit” from their “benefits.” And to hire me before the baby is born is even more outstanding because then I can take off 6 weeks of paid time off and then an additional 6 because they have to. So, I’m a big TD fan for even giving a crap about me.

Only down fall is that I had to waddle my 7 month pregnant behind to go get drug tested to obtain a position. Granted, I didn’t have to go to a police station or anything but it is equally embarrassing to go to a walk in clinic, obviously pregnant, to take a urine sample.. Now, picture if you want, a 7 month pregnant women who can’t see past her stomach attempt to catch an immense amount of urine in small cup  (almost a ½ a cup!!!, Not that quantity was an issue but the act of catching it is a different story). Have I disgusted you yet? Well, you should have been there. I can’t even imagine how I looked but I was very successful in my collection. Thank the lord because I’d rather be jobless than go and explain that I need a "re-do" because i'm too fat and peed all over myself. 

Now here is the best part. As I’m lying in bed this morning, day after the drug test, I’m scrolling through my facebook. I laugh as I read that my friend Lauren posted about eating poppy seed bagels like in Seinfeld right before a drug test. I thought “well only an idiot would do that.” UMMMM you are looking at that idiot!!! I ran to the kitchen took out the multigrain bagels that I consumed just an hour before my drug test and low and behold “POPPY SEEDS.” Are you FREAKING kidding me?!!? If it’s not white trash enough to go in for a drug test 7 months pregnant, it’s even worse to test positive for heroine!!

SO, yes I may have announced my new position for TD on FB but if you see me retracting that statement in the near future, it’s because I’ve tested positive for opiates, social services is now planning on when to take Avery away and I’ll be going to rehab. All because I’m an idiot.

AND….

I just had to remove my wedding band because my sausage hands have become larger than life. 

Move over Teen Mom’s, I have officially beat you in being the white trashiest person of the year. Yeehaw!