Alright, so maybe it does get easier….

I really, really, really wanted to believe people when they said that once 12 weeks rolled around, things would get easier. I just didn’t believe a single one of them. Probably because those were the same people that told me that giving birth, “wasn’t that bad” or the ones that told me that “breastfeeding will get easier.” Despite being misled in the past, they were absolutely correct.

I knew things couldn’t get much worse. The first 6 weeks were pretty tough. Not because we had a bad baby but because I was trying so hard to breastfeed and beating myself up for supplementing with formula that I was driving myself crazy. I didn’t even leave the house for a month because if I did, I thought I was being a bad mom and should have been home breastfeeding or pumping. But finally, at 6 weeks when I came to terms that my boobs couldn’t even produce enough milk to feed a small ant, things started to get that much easier.

Sure we had our issues with Avery from weeks 6-8. Not because she was being bad or crying for no reason but because switching from breastfeeding to formula is tough on a babies tummy and she had some issues. Constipation, acid reflux, gas, you name it. And though we are still dealing with these from time to time. She has to be one of the happiest babies you ever did see and it just took 12 long weeks to see that.

I like to think I’m an open book and an honest person. I would never tell someone that things are going great when they aren’t. So believe me, the fact that I’m finally saying that things have gotten better, I’m telling you the truth. I’m not sitting here bragging that I have an amazing baby, that I’m a great mom, and everything is roses now. What I am saying is that not matter what or how good or “bad” your baby is, things do get easier. It may be at 12 weeks, it may be at 6 months. But regardless, every week is that much better.

Avery doesn’t have a pediatrician’s appointment until January for her fourth month so we had to make an attempt to weigh and measure her ourselves. She is currently 11lbs, woohoo!! And measuring 23 inches in length and about 15 inches for her head. I’m pretty sure I didn’t measure her head correctly so if her head grows 5 inches within the next month, it’s my bad.

As for me, I’ve lost 3 more pounds and less than 5lbs away from seeing the 130’s again. I have definitely come a long way and even though I’m rocking the maternity pants still, I’m proud that I’m still trying despite my rough start. I’m not posting a picture because I literally look exactly the same as last month but I’ll post one for her 4^th month when hopefully I look a little bit different via awkward mirror photo.

To conclude, here are some highlights of Avery’s 3^rd month.

1. She is now giggling!!! It is absolutely amazing and adorable.
2. She is letting me shower, cook and do something’s around the house while she entertains herself and doesn’t cry.
3. She has found her thumb and hates her pacifier, yup, we’re screwed.
4. She is only getting up once a night usually. This is HUGE for us.

Lastly..

5. Her upper body strength is getting so much better that she almost threw herself off the couch ( I caught her, thank the lord) while I was taking these 3 month pictures. J

One month, one pound…

How hard is it to lose baby weight? I mean seriously girls.  I lost 20lbs in less than 2 weeks. I totally got this!! Yeah, RIGHT!

I did sincerely lose 20lbs in less than 2 weeks. I lost so much weight that our pediatrician told me that this was the cause of my lack of milk supply and that I would need to start eating 3000 to 3500 calories a day!!!! Are you kidding?? So as a first time panicked mom I went home and ate as many oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (oatmeal is supposed to increase milk supply) as my doughy tummy could possibly handle. After doing this for another week while continuing to breast feed I actually went up a couple of pounds. Of course, I never even came close to consuming 3000 let alone 3500 calories but I ate a lot more than I normally would.

So now here I am, 2 months post partum and lost only a single pound this month so I’m currently 147. Basically the same weight I was last month before I gained weight due to some terrible advice. And as a side note, the excessive eating did not help and I dried up like “Tan Mom’s” face. So after 6 weeks of breastfeeding I ran dry which also put my weight lose at a screeching halt. The good news is, my midwife approved me to start exercising so hopefully moving my body a bit may help with the slim down process.

With all this being said. I GET IT. It’s tough to be a new mom and attempt to shrink down to your pre-preggo size when you have a newborn crying, you are exhausted and dinner consists of either frozen foods or take out. And it’s fall so bring on the fatty pumpkin lattes, delicious pumpkin beers and of course all the baked goods that this time has to offer.  

Bottom line, don’t be so quick to criticize a mom for not losing all her pre-preggo weight within the first year. Most of us are not wealthy actresses and models that have someone to care for our babies while we go exercise and have a cook prepare the meals. However,  I haven’t given up on my attempts and I hope now with the exercise blessing from my midwife I can get a move on but I’m going to stop beating myself up and enjoy my beautiful baby, our new life and my flabby belly that made it all happen.

Stay tuned for Avery’s status on Tuesday after we visit the pediatrician. J

Before: 9 Months

After: 8 weeks postpartum

“You don’t understand since you don’t have kids…”

When people used to say this to me it made me absolutely cringe. That and the other variations, “just wait until you have kids” “You don’t have kids yet so you dot get it” and any other way people like to phrase it to get the same message across. I think it got under my skin because when people say this to others, it almost seems like they know better than you, you are too immature to understand and that you are beneath them in some way. That’s kind of how a lot of pregnant women take it. I found it even more annoying because I did know a lot about kids already and felt that just the fact that I knew how to change diapers, burp a baby, quiet a baby, and feed a baby that I already had a leg up on a lot of moms. So, because of how I felt when people said this to me, I’ve sworn never to say it to any pregnant or non-pregnant women. HOWEVER, with that being said, there are some things that have happened that I truly would not have understood until I became a mom and experienced it for myself. Here are some things that have happened to me and how I now see things differently.

1. I took Avery to a tailor because I had to get my dress fitted for my sister’s wedding since I’m an idiot and decided to get one that I could fit into 9 months pregnant. That’s how much confidence I had in my weight losing abilities. Avery was sound a sleep and it was the perfect time to go in. When I went in, there was an old man and his granddaughter in there. He was SCREAMING at the top of his lungs a story. I thought for sure that when he saw there was a sleeping baby in the car seat that he’d take it down a couple of notches. Not even a little bit. He kept yapping away about I don’t know what as I was too busy cringing and staring at Avery praying that she wouldn’t wake up because I still had to get into the dress to have it sized. Thank god, she didn’t flinch. This made me think to myself, “I wonder if I ever lowered my voice when a women with a newborn was near me” and I think the answer is “probably not.” So this is one of those times that unless you are a parent, you really don’t realize the window of opportunity you have to get things done is so small and by people screaming near you and waking up your baby can really throw off your entire day!
2. Another eye opening experience was my magical adventure to Target. Yes, I was one of those people that heard a crying baby and would shoot a glare over to the mom and thought to myself “can’t you keep your child quiet.” I mean how hard could it be to keep a baby quiet if they are fed and changed. Whelp, it can be real hard. I learned this first hand. I got up in the morning, showered; got Avery bathed, put on an adorable outfit and headed out the door to go to Target! This wasn’t our first adventure out in the world. Every other time she would just sleep through our trips to Kohls and Hannaford so no big deal that we drove 30 minutes over to Target. I’m sure she will just sleep soundly like normal. Um, nope. After having to fight through a windstorm getting into the store I look down and see Avery starting to wake up so I grabbed the pacifier just in case (side note: Avery doesn’t love her pacifier but sometimes it comes in handy) and was prepared for her to scream. Like I had anticipated, she was off screaming. Of course, today was the day that she was not having the pacifier. I swooshed, I rocked, and I jiggled. I did everything in my power to get her to stop crying. She had just eaten and was just changed so what could possibly be wrong!? As the screams got louder, I spun around to head to the car but not before I got to see the ugly stares from fellow patrons as I exited the building. Once in the car, I fed her which calmed her down a bit and I probably could have gone back in, but I chickened out. I took my daughter the 30 minutes back home without anything to show for except a Starbucks coffee I grabbed on the way back since I didn’t need to leave the car to get it. I felt completely defeated and has made me very cautious going back out into the world.

So despite the fact that these kinds of things happen to every mom one time or another, it doesn’t make it any easier when you go through it yourself. And yes, you are right, I probably wouldn’t have understood how something like that would suck until I experienced it myself even if I was told that it would happen. So, I’m not going to tell the first time mom’s out there that you don’t understand, because you probably do understand exactly how something like that would be super embarrassing. All I’m going to say is enjoy your time of just getting up and going to stores and looking around with no care in the world because at one point, this will absolutely happen to you. Don’t be embarrassed and give the dirty looks right back to those cocky girls without babies, because one day they will have a Target meltdown with their newborns as well.

In all seriousness..how can I ever really bad mad at this face...

Our First Month!

Today was Avery’s one month appointment. I love going to the pediatrician. Yes, getting a newborn ready and out the door is a pain in the butt sometimes because you really need to plan eating and changing at just the right time so that when you do arrive your baby doesn’t have a meltdown for one reason or another. Despite that, I love to see them because it’s nice to be constantly reassured that your baby is fine and not to worry so much. I am worrier and google is my best and worst friend. Even during pregnancy I was  huge worrier so of course now that she is outside my body I’m going to worry even more.  

Avery’s issues so far have been, losing too much weight, yeast under the arm pits, diaper rash, mass amounts of spit up and now recently constipation. These are all SO not a big deal. But when it happens, it really screws up your baby’s and as a result, your day pretty nicely.  We’ve been lucky that it has all been minor issues and most of them have gone away. So when I went to the pediatrician today they said she looked awesome and gave us Avery’s stats for the first month...

Basically she is a peanut for her age...

She weights 7lbs 9oz and is the 15^th percentile (meaning only 15% of babies are smaller than her)

Her height is 20 inches and is in the 20^th percentile

Her head is 13 3/4in and is in the 12^th percentile.

So there you have it. Our baby is still a very small baby so I’m working overtime to get her as chunky as possible so that she can fit into some of these adorable outfits. And let’s face it, everyone loves a chunky baby.

To end the entry, I wanted to share some things I have learned about being a mom this past month and what I’ve learned about myself. Hopefully some mamas out there can relate.

1. Eating and sleeping are no longer necessary. But if you had to choose, sleeping will always win.
2. Speaking of sleeping, if you get 3-4 hours in a row, then congratulations, you have officially received a full night’s sleep. You are one of the lucky ones.
3. Eating is officially a game. You either need to eat as fast as you can before the little one wakes up, or learn how to eat one handed real quick.
4. People care more about how you are feeding your child then how your child is actually doing. Even though I’m pumping, formula and breastfeeding, I will still be judged. And if you are solely formula feeding, get ready for some undeserved scrutiny. This usually comes from the most unlikely people ever, those that never had an issue with breastfeeding and men.
5. I checked to make sure Avery was breathing at least 20 times a night during the first week. She was.
6. You never thought you could get so excited about poop in your babies diaper.
7. Boobs are no longer a private body part and you don’t even care.
8. Sleeping when the baby sleeps is good in theory
9. Spit up or drool on your shirt is no big deal. If it dries quick or is not that much then the shirt is still good to wear
10. You truly forget about your life before the baby. Everything is now about them. Being selfish is no longer an option and you end up being OK with that. J

 Also, check out the new pages I’ve added to track how both Avery and I are doing.

Happy one month Ms. Avery!!

Boobs, Boobs Boobs...

From the beginning I said that I wanted to breastfeed Avery. Simple as that. I did all the right things. I went to classes, bought my breast pump with all the bells and whistles, got the books, got the milk promoting tea, literally everything to make sure that I could breastfeed Avery. I thought that with all this preparation that nothing could go wrong.

The first two weeks of Avery’s existence I breastfed exclusively. We went to the pediatrician the first week and found out she was losing weight. This is typical for a newborn baby so we weren’t too worried but we had to go back. At our second visit we found out she lost even more weight. Considering my little peanut was only 6lbs 15.5oz upon arrival, it was very scary to find out that she lost almost a pound! I had no idea what was going on.

Our pediatrician sent us over to a lactation consultant to find out what was up. Turns out my little diva was pretending to swallow milk but wasn’t actually doing it. They called it a transfer issue and she was actually only getting a ½ oz when by this point she should be eating over 1.5oz-2oz. I felt terrible!! The lactation consultant told me to pump like a mad woman and supplement with formula.

Of course, formula was a bad word in my book. People drive into your head “breast is best” and anything else will ruin my child forever. Of course, I was nervous about giving it to her but again, didn’t want her starving to death. So, we tried it out and I’ve never seen Avery happier. Phew! And after our last pediatrician appointment she has almost gained that entire pound back. We are thrilled.

Now, my entire life revolves around my boobs. I breastfeed and pump almost all day and then supplement with formula. . More poor friends MK and Caler were victims to my day of boobs and had the pleasure of sitting there in my living room while I pumped in front of them for a good 30 minutes. Absolutely no modesty in this house. I’m fairly certain everyone in the neighborhood has seen my boobs as a shirt is really unnecessary at this point since I have it up for most of the day. I'm sure your all itching to come visit now, huh?

Despite my best efforts, my milk supply is extremely low. Of course, let’s add another obstacle in the mix. So I’ve been doing anything and everything in my power to get it up. I’ve eaten Oatmeal, taken vitamins, tea, relaxing, new pump, beer, hummus, pumping every two hours, every freaking thing you can read online. I’m hoping at some point it will kick in before my nipples fall off from the excessive pumping.

Bottom line, breast feeding has been the biggest bummer for me ever. I’m still trying but again, can understand why people switch to formula and would never pass judgment on anyone for doing so. Even with all the amazing advice and support, there is not much more I can do at this point besides sleeping with my pump or start leaving the house with my pump attached to my boobs. If it was possible and not illegal, I’d probably try it. 

If it were only that easy...

She has arrived!!!

For those of you unaware, the reason for my hiatus is due to the fact that our daughter Avery was born!! She was born on August 26^th at 9:50pm weighing 6lbs 15ozs and 19inches long.

This is the first time since she was born where I have received more than 4 hours of sleep and had enough energy to dust off the computer and start typing again.

I figured I’d bore you all with my long and drawn out birth story. Mainly because labor/delivery and everything about it is not what you see on TV AT ALL. Labor doesn’t come on instantly right when your water breaks and you usually don’t start pushing right when you get to the hospital. I know, it’s a bummer. So let me break down my experience for you.

Saturday August 25^th Jon and I ran a bunch of errands and made an insane Whole Foods trip (I say insane because we dropped more money than what I made in a week working three jobs in Keene, though that’s not saying much) in order to prepare for Avery’s arrival as her due date of 9/4 was drawing near. That evening we had dinner with his parent’s as Jon and his dad set up Avery’s crib.

The entire night I was feeling pretty well but my stomach just felt heavy and I had a lot of pressure in the bottom of my pelvis. I just assumed it’s because of the immense amount of weight I had gained during the pregnancy and my non existent stomach muscles could no longer bare that weight.

As Jon and I laid in bed that night I told him my lower back was hurting (assuming this was also due to my ever growing body mass) and if he could massage it for a bit. At this point in the pregnancy I had not asked for much. I think I squeezed one foot massage and this lower back massage out of my husband. Looking back I would have maybe asked for a few more. This pregnancy was way too easy on him. Next time around I’ll remember that. After my massage I passed out pretty much instantly.

Next morning around 6am I woke up suddenly with the worst Charlie Horse in the entire world. I jumped around like an idiot in the bedroom, managing not to wake up my husband, and ran to the living room to lie on the couch. Not sure if this started up my labor but at this point, I felt some cramps in my lower stomach. I thought that there is no way these are contractions because this is my first pregnancy and I’d be a week early which normally doesn’t happen. Well, thank you Red Raspberry Leaf Tea as this is exactly what they were. The best way to describe a contraction is a period cramp. At first they are just fun and games as you smile and breathe a little bit through each one. They gradually become the feeling of someone cutting your stomach open with a dull butter knife and pulling out your insides but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I called my mom and let her know what was happening and she was awesome enough to drop everything, and come up to Maine. I went to the bedroom to let Jon know what was happening at around 8am  and to tell him that my contractions were about 20 minutes apart. We laid in bed for a bit talking and getting excited for what was happening.

I’m going to fast forward as from about 6am until almost 12pm was just a bunch of contractions and walking around breathing and attempting to smile through all of them. Yes, I did manage to shower, shave and put on makeup as that's how neurotic I am and labor wasn't going to screw up my morning routine. At around noon my mom was in Maine and we sat down out on the patio to have a nice lunch that Jon made for us. At this point I started to get back contractions. I have heard about this but HOLY SHIT. I never thought they would actually hurt as bad as they did. I just kept walking around deeply breathing hoping that I wouldn’t pass out from the pain. Yes, normal people would probably go to the hospital at this point but I’ve heard horror stories of people going to the hospital early and being sent home and since our hospital is about 45 minutes away I said no flipping way we are making two trips. I’d rather birth Avery in the car on the way there then have to play the back and forth game and gas is way too expensive at the moment... So, my awesome husband just kept calling the midwife to let her know of my status. She said that it was probably false labor and to hang tight. Whelp, at around 2pm my water broke.  Jon didn’t believe me since I told him it was just a trickle. He just assumed it was me peeing my pants as that was a daily incident in the Levesque house hold. I knew that since it wasn’t accompanied by a sneeze that it was definitely my water breaking.

At this point, we called the midwife and decided to head in to the hospital. The way to the hospital sucked. My contractions were getting more intense and all I could do was grab the “Oh Shit Handle” and pray that she stay put until we made it. Once we got to the hospital I hobbled my butt up in to the triage room where they checked to see how far I was. They said I was 5cm dilated. I thought, “Sweet, half way there.” As most of you may know, 10 cm is fully dilated and when they tell you to push. But I knew that 8cm was when you started to feel the most pain and I was truly hoping that I had already passed that hurdle. Not so much.

We were escorted to our room where I changed into my bathing suit so that I could jump in the shower to see if that would help my labor pains. Well, I’m going to be honest, for me, nothing really “helped” my labor pains. I wanted to literally die. I just kept breathing and holding on to whatever was near me for dear life. I’m going to throw out there that I suck at dealing with pain, so maybe this isn’t too bad for most people but for me, this was my own personal hell.

When my midwife came in she checked me and told me that I was dilated 6cm. Are you flipping kidding me!? I made it only 1 cm and felt that much pain. I seriously wanted to just lay down and forfeit. Side note, everyone in that room was told not to mention or even utter the word “epidural” in my presence. Everyone received the birth plan which was for me to give birth in the tub naturally. If I received an epidural, I would have not been able to move and that scared me more than anything so I didn’t even think about asking, at least at this moment.

Finally they told me that I could get into the birthing tub. While in the tub I went through the transition period which is literally the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Not only did I have contractions in my stomach but back contractions at the same time. I hung on to the back of that tub and wanted to throw myself over it, hoping to break something in order to not feel this pain. At this point, I asked my midwife if she could give me a sterile water injection in the back to help with the back contractions. This is a midwifery holistic hippie kind of practice so I thought, why not? If it’s going to help the back pain then maybe I should try it. WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!! Two nurses have to do the injections as apparently it is that painful that if they did it one at a time the patient wouldn’t be able to handle it since they have to give four. GOOD TO KNOW AFTER THE FACT! I literally screamed the most horrific scream there ever was and probably scared the shit out of every pregnant woman in that hospital. I would not recommend anyone do that ever. Not only did it not take away my pain but it was ]as painful as labor itself.

Fast forward. After telling the entire room that I couldn’t do it any longer and staring my poor husband in the eyes, begging him to make it stop, my midwife gave me an insane pep talk and told me that I’m way too far along to do anything and that it was time to push.

Pushing is an entirely different kind of pain. Many people told me its more “pressure” than “pain.” Well, I don’t know what they are smoking but it’s just as much pain if not more in just a different area of the body. I actively pushed for about an hour. Not so bad for a first time mom. I think the main thing I was scared about, besides having a human life come out of me, was having a bowel movement in the tub while 5 people watched it float around. This did not happen and I’m completely shocked as that’s just something that would normally happen to me. But before I knew it, she was out before anything else could come out of me. She was the littlest, cutest, hairiest baby you ever did see. I was so happy. As she laid on my chest I just counted all her fingers and toes and was ecstatic that they were all accounted for.

I had to get out of the tub quickly as I had to birth the placenta which is something you can’t do in the water... So, not at all disgusting and awkward, had to get out of the tub, waddle my butt to the near by bed to take care of that. This wasn’t as bad as I thought, but then again after giving birth naturally, nothing is that bad anymore.

All in all, she is beautiful, healthy, has an insane amount of hair and we are so thankful. The hospital was awesome, my mom and husband were amazing. And I’m just so happy that I was able to do it the way I wanted even though after going through it I will pass no judgment on anyone that gets an epidural, narcotics, whatever it is they need to do to get through it. I was lucky enough as a first time mom to labor and deliver in less than 24 hours (red raspberry tea, I’m telling you!!) and with absolutely no complications.  Just heed my warning, DO NOT get sterile water injections. You will live to regret it…

Here is our little nugget. We couldn’t be happier.

So, I cant have a cheeseburger!?

Last night was our last official centering class. We have one more next week but it’s a pot luck kind of a thing on the farm of our midwife (of course our hippie mid wife lives on a farm with horses) so last night was our last class at the hospital.

We rounded out the night with our midwife telling us a labor horror story. This story scared the living crap out of me, not just because of what happened to the woman but the actions in which she took throughout the evening.

Apparently this 300lb woman was at home and her baby’s leg fell out of her vagina. Yes, that actually happens. This is a big deal and an emergency and after the women called the hospital she was instructed to call 911 to get her there ASAP. As the hospital awaits her arrival they get as many doctor’s, midwives, surgeons available to help in this scary situation.

All of them are waiting in the emergency room for an ambulance to pull up with this woman and her baby leg to come in. Well, instead they see this women come in the emergency room with a Big Mac hanging out of her mouth and a McDonald’s bag in her hand. Obviously the ambulance didn’t take her through the drive through so she apparently drove herself, with a baby leg hanging out to McDonald’s and in to the hospital which was apparently very low on her “To-Do” list that evening.  

The staff rushed her in and attempted to prep her for surgery but since she was so large they couldn’t find a vein to put in the pain medication and because she had just consumed a mass quantity of very hard digestible food she was basically a ticking time bomb. If anyone has ever had a C-section, you know they don’t like you eating anything before it, let alone a big Mac, large fry and a shake to boot!!  Any who, long story short, they ended up doing the surgery regardless of her full stomach and both her and baby are now fine. Well, I’m sure that baby is not fine psychologically but I’ll digress.

After this horrific story, since now I keep looking down to make sure there are no baby legs or arms hanging out, I had an awful nightmare last night. Yes, if you know me, you know I’d rather stop being friends with someone than have to listen to their long drawn out dream stories so I’m going to spare you all the details.

Let’s just say my dream consisted of me hoovering down on a cheeseburger, then going into labor and then seeing both of Avery’s legs hanging outside of my body but they can’t do anything to get her out because of mommy’s poor nutritional choices. I woke up at this point so I’m not sure if I led a life of Avery’s legs just hanging out or if she was born safely into this world.

Needless to say, I’m all good now with hearing about labor horror stories. I thought I could handle it but I can’t. So please keep them to yourself until after Avery is born and at that time I’d love to swap stories of pooping on the bed and excruciating/mind numbing pain. Thanks!!